Goddess of Her Domain

Because I love you

I want to hold you close and keep you to myself.

Because I love you

I want to kiss you and touch you.

Because I love you

I want to spend time with you.

Because I love you

I will want some time away from you too.

Because I love you

I want you to be happy.  I want your life to be fulfilling.

Because I love you

I want to support you when you need it. I want to encourage you to follow your dreams.

Because I love you

At some point I’m going to want to hurt you. Hopefully you’ll like it and let me, encourage me if you want more.

Because I love you

I miss you when I don’t see you.

Because I love you

I crave the sound of your voice and the touch of your hand.

Because I love you

I can still smell your scent when you’re not here.

Because I love you

I can’t imagine you not being in my life.

Because I love you

I’m scared about the prospects of you not being here.

Because I love you

I want to grow old together, explore together, live our lives together.

Because I love you

I only want the best for you.

Because I love you

I’ve tried to set you free.

Because I love you

I walk around mostly pretending that I’m ok.  I am.  Mostly.

Because I love you

Some days I’m not ok.

Because I love you

Everything I am, everyone I know, everywhere I go reminds me of you.

Because I love you

All the dreams I had just make me sad to think about.  And yet I can’t stop thinking about them.

Because I love you

I’m fiercely protective and loyal.  I am your pit bull, your guardian when necessary.

Because I love you

I will defend you.

Because I love you

I have to let you go.

Because I love you…

Day 30 – Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?

So here’s the thing…I’ve been writing this stuff for 30 days now, or at least thinking about these questions for 30 days.  I’ve learned stuff.  If you’re reading this, you probably have too.

I don’t have a “need” to be dominant.  I’m not sure I have a “want” to be dominant.  I’ve seen and read many things over the years, talked to many people within the kink community, and a lot of what I’ve heard is that you either are or you aren’t dominant.  Dominant is something you are all the time.  Or so the theory goes.  *shrugs*  I’m not here to tell you what’s right and wrong, that’s up to each of us to figure out for ourselves.

I’m here to try and figure out what works for me.  I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out what doesn’t work.

Right now I’m not dominant.  I’m not a dominant at the moment.  I’m no one’s dominant either.

Being a dominant isn’t what makes me happy.  That isn’t the key to my happiness.  There’s so much more involved to being happy than being a dominant.  I have to be happy with myself, with who I am, with the people around me, the people that I’ve chosen to surround myself with.  They make me happy.  I make myself happy.  Being in a loving and supportive relationship makes me happy.  But you know what?  I’m pretty happy even if I’m not in a relationship.  My happiness has nothing whatsoever to do with my dominance or lack of.  It’s just something I am.

In order for me to be able to express my dominance, I have to discover what that means to me.

I want to experience things that make my heart sing.  I think I’ll stick to that for a while, see where that path takes me.

If I happen to be blessed enough to find someone whose submission lines up with my dominance, that’s just a bonus, right?  I’d happily accept someone willing to explore with me with no expectations beyond fun and exploring things together.  That’s what I want.

What makes being dominant special to me?  I’ll fill you in once I’ve figured it out, if I figure it out…hehe.

Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation part of your Dominant expression? What is your relationship to pain and humiliation? Do you embrace it as part of your Dominance, inflict it reluctantly or have some other type of relationship with it?

Outside of using names like “whore” and “slut” as terms of endearment with my partner, I don’t do humiliation.  I haven’t quite figured out how long-term humiliation isn’t soul-crushing, and until I do, humiliation will remain something I don’t do.

Pain on the other hand… hehe.  I’m not sadistic enough to want to inflict pain for the sake of making someone hurt.  I like inflicting it if they enjoy getting it, and of course, if they react in a way I like while receiving it, all the better for me!

Day 28 – Has your Dominance ever failed you? Have you ever been criticised or received negative feedback for your Dominance? Have you ever regretted your actions or emotions as a Dominant either in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and, if so, what lessons did you learn and how did you apply them?

Yes, no.. maybe? Lol…yes. Possibly. Ask me again in 5 years, if I’m still around.

Everything we do in life should be viewed as a learning experience.  If we do something for the first time and succeed at it, it’s a lesson on how to do it, right?  If we do something for the first time and don’t exactly get it right, it’s a lesson on how not to do it.  Kind of like “well shit, that didn’t work like I thought it would…how can I do it differently?”

I’m ok with making mistakes and trying to improve myself the next time.  If I’m not given that opportunity to try again, then I will never succeed at that thing, right?  That’s where I am… in limbo.

Anyone that tells you they’ve never made a mistake is a fucking liar and should be avoided at all costs.  We all make mistakes.  What we do about it and where we go from there is what matters.

Day 27 – Do you have Dominant desires or fantasies that you have yet to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Yes, of course I do.  Absolutely.  Definitely.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get them out from inside my skull, I’d have it made.

What I’ve noticed recently is I get to a point, not in play, but sex, where I lose track of everything.  I’d call it a blackout, but I’m not sure that’s entirely accurate.  It’s me and him and I’m moving and reacting instinctively, not quite out of control, not quite in control either.  I think it’s that element of “not quite in control” that frightens me the most.  I don’t like not being in control of myself.

Day 26 – What are the qualities that you seek in a submissive partner? Are there qualities which you consider ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’? If so, what are they and for what reasons are they ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’?

BLIND OBEDIENCE MUAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!  Ok, no, not really.  I’d get bored very quickly with that I think.  I never really thought about what qualities I wanted in a submissive partner.  Probably because I don’t look specifically for a submissive partner.  I look for a partner.  Who happens to want to be submissive.  I feel there is a difference.

I had to walk away from this and think about it before I could identify qualities I felt were important to me, as compared to those that are stereotypical and portrayed in mass media.  So, in no particular order, and subject to change…

·         Strength – Not just physical strength either.  There has to be some sort of mental fortitude here as well.

·         Intelligence – I might not be highly educated or have multiple degrees or be up to date on my reading list, I would like to think that I can have an intelligent conversation with someone about things.

·         Loyalty – I don’t necessarily mean the kind of loyalty where one is limited to a single partner.  I don’t have a problem with monogamy, I’m sure I could end up there with someone again.  What I mean is someone that I can trust to have my back when I need it, to stick up for me when I need it, to be there when I maybe can’t support myself.  Choosing ME.

·         Willingness – Life is too fucking short to not be willing to try something different.  Yes, I understand that it’s tough to do that sometimes.  I understand it can be scary as well.  That’s ok.  You might try something new and fail at it.  That’s ok.  Just the simple act of trying it means it wasn’t a failure.

·         Ability to communicate – God I love words!  Words turn my brain on.  Even the scary, uncomfortable words.  Words tell me how you are doing, where you are, how you’re feeling, if something is good or bad or scary.  They might make you feel vulnerable at times.  That’s ok.  The more you share with me, the better off I am, the more I’m able to help and support you if you need it.  They also tell me when you need to be left alone, and I’m perfectly ok with that as well.  Write me note or letters if you can’t say the words to my face.  Just whatever you do, don’t stop communicating with me.

·         Has an opinion and expresses it – I want to hear what you think.  I want to know how you think.  Don’t be rude or obnoxious about it.

·         Self-confidence – We all have things about ourselves we might not like.  That’s ok.  Someone that loves absolutely everything about themselves and isn’t afraid to tell you.. they make me nervous.  There are things I do that I do very well.  Sure I’d love for the whole world to like me.  I’m enough of a realist to know that’s not going to happen.  That’s ok.  Just be confident enough in yourself to know that if I choose to be with you, there’s a reason.  I don’t choose lightly or easily.

·         Good smile – Unf.  If you do it right, I will probably want to kiss you.  Hopefully that will make you smile more.

·         Cuddler – I’m a cuddler.  I like physical contact.  I like to be held and to hold others.  I don’t expect you to always want to cuddle, just cuddle when I ask.. for as long as I need.  This helps me to recharge my batteries, balance myself, not to mention strengthen our bond.  It’s a barometer of how the relationship is.

·         Social – Not everyone can be 100% social all the time.  I’d like company when I do things.  Sometimes this involves others, out in public.

·         Knows stuff I don’t know – You don’t have to have multiple degrees either… just know stuff.  Real stuff.  Life stuff.  Probably means you should be constantly learning new stuff too.

·         Likes to hold my hand – It’s a small thing as far as effort goes, and such a very large thing when it comes to emotionally supporting me.  Shows others around we are together, you chose me, I chose you.  It’s protective and supportive at the same time.  Both guiding and following.  You can’t lose someone in a crowd if you’re holding their hand.  You can’t lose someone in life if you’re holding their hand either.  You are mine.  I am yours.  I want you.  I care for you.

·         Good kisser – Knowing how to kiss me is important.  Some people refer to tequila and instant panty remover.  I think kissing works better for me.

·         Wants to be with me – Does this really need an explanation.

·         Good with his hands – I don’t care if you work with your hands as a career choice, being good with your hands is more than that.  Be creative.  Know how to use your hands.  Know how to be gentle when necessary.  Be rough when it’s important.  Learn how to give pleasure with your hands.  Learn how to touch with them.

·         Respectful of others – Dating etiquette says to watch how your date interacts with the server in the restaurant.  If they treat the staff like hired help, they don’t have much respect for them.  Respect isn’t limited to a restaurant though.

·         Healthy – I don’t mean eating or exercising a certain way either.  There has to be balance in your life.  Each of us will have a different balance point, we have to know where it is and how to maintain it.

There’s probably a few more that I didn’t put down, that might get added.  Or they might not.  *shrugs*

·         Intuitive - Has the ability to anticipate my needs based on previous experience with me. (See.. I knew I’d come up with others!)  Mind reading would be awesome, but full on mind reading is probably not possible.  Simple things like making a coffee when I get up, asking about what I’d like for breakfast… or just knowing how I like my eggs and just making me breakfast.  End of a long day for me.. gah.. I’d love someone to take the time to draw a bath for me or spend some time pampering me in little ways to help me disconnect from that world and reconnect with ours.

Day 25 – Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express your Dominance? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

Many years ago I bought a set of cuffs (ankle and wrist) along with a matching collar.  I put that collar on a man and claimed him as mine.  It represented my total ownership of him, that he was my possession.  Mine.  All mine.  Mine mine mine.  So when that relationship ended, he left that collar behind.  For the longest time I felt sick to my stomach every time I looked at it.  Now it’s just a strip of leather to me.  Ok, maybe not just a strip of leather.  It’s a beautiful collar and it matches the cuffs, just doesn’t represent what it once did for me.

I purchased a new one a few years ago, for different reasons, for a different man.  It was a cute idea at the time, but it doesn’t honor him the way I would like.  He deserves something better.  At this point though, I’m not sure he’d accept, let alone wear a collar if I offered it.

He’s gifted me with a beautiful scorpion whip.  Something he had made for me.  It’s beautiful and makes me want to do evil things when I hold it in my hand.  It alone does not make me feel dominant, nor is its use an expression of my dominance.

Rituals are something I haven’t explored too deeply.  I’ve always enjoyed the buckling on and locking of a collar, and the removal of it at the end.  We had discussed the idea of him stripping at the front door and staying naked for the duration of his time at my place.  Sadly life interferes with that happening more often than not.

I think I’ll be looking at these more closely in the coming days/weeks/months.

Day 24 – What are the emotions that most directly let you access your Dominance? What feelings do they inspire?

RAWR!!

I don’t think I allow my emotions to dictate when I’m feeling dominant.  Maybe excitement?  The desire to play, but that is play, not dominance.

There have been times when something outside of my relationship has filled me with absolute rage.  In each case I’ve been met with an offer to be my punching bag.  While very sweet, each offer has been declined.  That level of rage in me is not a good thing.  I don’t know how it would play out.  I don’t feel safe in unleashing it on someone that hasn’t been the root cause such strong anger.  I don’t feel it’s fair.

Feeling that angry, that out of control, does not make me feel dominant.

When he does the things I ask, I feel giddy.  Spoiled.  Indulged.  Happy.  Those feelings don’t make me dominant though.

Day 23 - Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?

Yes.  I don’t understand a lot of things.  Extreme humiliation and degradation, race or gender superiority.  You know, the whole “you’re a worthless piece of shit, you don’t deserve to breathe the same air as me.. on your knees, don’t look at me.. your dick is too small.. you’re too fat.. you’re stupid..”  Hell, I can’t even give you good examples because my brain goes into convulsions just thinking about it.

I am in no way saying that anyone that enjoys that sort of thing is wrong, that they are doing it wrong.  I don’t get it myself, I don’t have any interest in breaking someone down that far.  It seems psychologically damaging to me, abusive.  I know within the confines of a negotiated and consensual relationship that it isn’t, but it FEELS like it to me.

I have a good friend who loves this sort of thing.  I love watching her and her partner playing.  I go back and forth between being really uncomfortable, especially when the names and humiliation start.  I get flashes of body language that makes me feel bad for her, I can’t quite tell if she’s really hurt by them or not.  She gets this whipped puppy dog look on her face.  She looks sad.  This is what I see as an outsider looking into the scene though.  Realistically I know she enjoys this.  She and I have talked about it, she’s explained (a bit) about it to me… I fully understand that she likes it, enjoys it, craves it.  Logically it doesn’t make any sense to me.  I have seen her absolutely on cloud nine after a scene that’s made me feel horrible watching.  That she is able to feel that way afterwards is what makes me feel ok about it.  But then, it’s not about me here is it?  It’s her scene, her relationship, her dynamic with her partner.  It doesn’t matter what I think or feel about it.  I’m happy knowing she’s getting what she wants and needs.  That’s the part that is good for me.

I’ve stumbled upon more than a few profiles online that scream “BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR SUPERIOR BLACK MASTER!” and I have to say, it more than turns me off.  The men aren’t the only ones with profiles like that, I’ve stumbled on a few black women’s profiles that are filled with hatred and condescension towards white men.  I’ve seen submissive men who have an inferiority complex and feel women are better than they are.  I’ve seen submissive women who become nothing more than doormats and allow themselves to be treated badly.  I’ve never understood the whole concept of someone else controlling me to the point that I can’t eat when or what I want, can’t speak to the people I want, can’t use the bathroom when I want.  I don’t understand the removal of someone else’s dignity like that.

I’ve had men approach me from either side of the slash with really bad manners and requests.  The whole “you will do what I tell you” doesn’t work on me.  Go ahead, ask my parents how well that worked for them while I was growing up.  I had to remind my ex recently that after knowing me for almost 18 years, he should know that telling me what I’m going to do doesn’t work.  It didn’t work while we were together, and it sure as shit isn’t going to work now.

I understand everyone is different and will have different likes and dislikes and we all can’t like the same things.  I do get that.  I just haven’t been able to understand how it could be appealing.  I’m far too stuck in my brain about this I think.

As for questioning or being resistant to my dominant desires, sure.  I think I still am.  Part of the reason I’m doing this whole 30 Days thing is to try to figure some things out for my sake.  I’m trying to figure out what it is that lights my fire so that I can concentrate and focus on that.  Right now there’s far too much out there that is interesting to me.

In my head I’m fighting against a stereotype that is out there.  Like most commercially produced porn videos, much of the BDSM videos out there are crap to me.  Many of the still pictures printed show an unrealistic (to me) ideal.  I’m not tall.  I’m not thin.  I don’t wear head to toe leather.  I don’t have black or blond, long straight hair pulled back into a ponytail.  I don’t spend my life in 5” heels.  I don’t walk around with this pissed off at the world look on my face.  I don’t hate men.  I think that last one is my biggest problem.  I really like men.

How’s this.. I really like doing things to men that like having those things done to them because I really like how they react.  It’s not the doing of the thing, it’s the watching their reaction to doing the thing that I like.

Day 22 – Can you feel Dominant without a submissive partner? If so, how does your Dominance express itself? If not, how do you handle your need to be Dominant?

Being dominant only means there’s someone there to listen to you and follow along with what you want done.  As a parent, I have two of those someone’s already.  I’m still in charge over them even when I’m not partnered with someone.

There’s a whole lot of things out there that I’m willing to compromise on, just as there are some things that I am not willing to compromise on.  I’ve given up on teaching anyone.. ANYONE how to fold clothes and linens the way I like.  I have learned not to give a fuck, but I have to be really overwhelmed in life before that happens.  My mother used to attempt to help me fold the spawns’ clothes when they were babies, and I’d sit and patiently refold everything she’d done.  Right in front of her.  It wasn’t right, it wouldn’t go into the drawers the way it needed to, it just wasn’t working for me.  None of this is dominance related though.

I don’t NEED to be dominant.  It’s not an overwhelming desire for me I don’t think.  I don’t need it like I need oxygen to breathe or food to eat.  Mostly at the moment I end up ignoring the feelings of wanting things that I want because there’s no one in my life willing to do them.